The Dark Knight of The Soul…

October 14, 2017.

The death of my son Brett Cameron age 24, dying by suicide. 

One day in my life, that completely changed me forever, it was the day not only did my son die, but I too, died a death.

This traumatic experience completely crushed me to my core, all perceived meaning to life gone.  NO-thing left within but heavy dark emotions of pain, anguish, sorrow, confusion and devastation.  All that I once knew to be true of my existence to this point in my life, was gone in that one moment.

The death I died, was the death of my illusory self and life took on a whole new meaning from that point forward.

As the Dark Knight of The Soul emerged, I was hurled into truly discovering why I was here on this earth, I was forced to uncover Who I Am, as soul.

This journey of soul self-discovery had to start from the death of my illusory self. The conceptual sense of self we create for ourselves with life, identity.

What died in me was the egoic sense of self that became my illusory identity that I created in this lifetime.  The non-realistic perceived meaning I gave life through all of my experiences.

I don’t believe one can comprehend the enormity of this experience unless one travels this path themselves.  The loss of a child as a parent (mother), then adding the trauma and complexity of the death through suicide created an experience of insurmountable heartache and devastation. In truth, death should not be a devastating experience.

This darkness I felt, of NO-thing left within, felt like a bleak nonexistence and dissociation from my soul-self and the life I had created around me till now.

My world completely disintegrated to ashes that day.  All that remained in the ashes was but one tiny little amber, barely flickering to keep my soul alight, my divine spark, the flame of life.

My soul felt like it was almost completely extinguished.

I felt I had nothing left inside of me to want to go on living. It was the most heart wrenching experience of loss and bleakness I’d ever experienced.  I struggled to find reasons to live because I could not see meaning to life, apart from my other son Kyle who was still here.  Who was also journeying his own painful loss in his way, as a brother.

In truth if not for my son Kyle at the time, there were moments I didn’t feel I could make it through this experience because I was unprepared for sudden death. Kyle became my glimmer of hope to find a way through and keep going. To Rise Strong, be brave and find meaning to live and to love again by not choosing other means to end my sorrow.

Believe me, it did cross my mind and it is normal to feel this way in grief temporarily. That led to trying to make sense and find meaning to this experience. Lost in the insurmountable emotions as I searched deep for answers as to the many questions, Why?

Questioning… There are so many questions we ask when it comes to someone ending their life. Like: Why did they choose this path, What could I have done better as his fulltime Carer and mother, How did I not know how to help?

All these unanswered questions deeply anguished me like everyone, feeling utterly confused and disconnected from self and life in those moments.

I feel it is important to share this part of my story associated with suicide to create awareness. In relation to family, friends from the ones you would assume to be your biggest support which was not so in my experience, losing family connections due to stigma and religious beliefs. Peoples reactions to death by suicide meant I experienced much stigma, blame and shame. The impact of this for grievers is, we silence our grief due to not feeling safe to share our story which is a very essential part to our healing, and more so when loss is impacted by trauma.

This experience was unfathomable. I could not comprehend whatsoever the hurt I experienced from others when in the depths of grief. The silencing of grief, unresolved emotions that then triggered suppressed childhood trauma to surface as I began to experience mild depression. Please know, time does heal all wounds no matter how tragic our situation. And,,

We need emotions to transform ourselves, our experiences into something life-giving!

And so….

This became my Turning Point to Live!

I chose in that moment that I would stand up and Rise Stronger no matter what, despite all the hurt I felt, I would find a way out of this Dark Knight of the Soul.

This was by no means an easy feat because, when one experiences grief or in my case trauma loss to suicide, it can bring up past traumas of life. As if grief alone isn’t enough to deal with, and so I knew there was no way out but through this emotional turmoil.

It was time to face death and grief to find meaning from this experience, the death of my son, fight for my truth and everything that was my life to this point in time and discover Who I Truly Am!

Deciding in that moment, this turning point, to stand in the arena, not run from struggle but to turn toward truth, to look it in the eye and face all vulnerability, fear and sorrow dead on! To practice vulnerability is to heal deeply, when we are vulnerable, we put all of our core wounds into huge exposure. It really is the biggest emotional risk we can take as humans, yet it is where we can have the most profound spiritual awakening.

And so my soul awakening began as I understood that our adversity has the potential to create profound change not only for us, but the world around us. It becomes an opportunity to turn our experience into higher meaning, often discovering our true purpose to contribute and lessen suffering for others.

Like the Phoenix Rising, my purpose and life awakened becoming an End Of Life Doula to lessen the suffering of others through Death, Dying and Grief through Holistic Wellness, compassionate care because I get it! I have walked this path which is not for the faint of heart and I will guide you to walk yours. Namaste`